WARNING: TWINCEST

Tom ran his hands over the cover of the journal, taking a deep breath before he opened it. The first letter that lay inside, was written about a month after the first one he found…

                                                                                Tuesday October 14th, 2003

Tom,    
It happened again…those feelings. I try to ignore them; pretend they don’t exist, but every time you smile at me…every time you touch me…I find them harder and harder to forget. I’ve never felt more lost and alone in my entire life. What makes it worse is that I know you’ll never feel the same.
I feel myself distant at times…from you…from me. You feel it. I know you do. I want so badly to tell you, but I cannot seem to find the words nor the strength. And I’m terrified that I may ruin our relationship.
What am I to do? I mean you’re my fucking brother! It shouldn’t be like this…What’s wrong with me? How did this happen?

-Bill

                                                                                Friday November 14th, 2003

Tom,                             
                                                       
Why can’t I make my feelings for you go away? Why can’t it just go back to the way it was before? Why does everything have to be so damn complicated? And why? Why out of all the people in the whole entire world, why did it have to be you?

I tried to convince myself that this was just some weird phase; and that it would go away. But it hasn’t! It’s only gotten worse! And I hate it! It makes me feel like some sort of sick twisted person.

No…This can’t happen. It can’t. I can’t love you! Not like that! I don’t care how much it kills me inside. I don’t care how much it hurts. I will bury my feelings for you. I will bury them deep…until I forget….

-Bill

                                                                                Friday November 28th, 2003

Tom,                                   
You cried today, and it’s all my fault. Two weeks I’ve been trying to forget, but the only thing I’ve managed to do is completely separate myself from you. You blame yourself. You think that you’ve done something wrong. You had to. Right? Why else would your own twin be ignoring you?

I found you curled up on bathroom floor, quietly sobbing. You looked up at me with bleary eyes, wondering what you could have done to cause this. Then in the most pitiful tone, you asked me if I hated you. I felt my heart break. Hate you? How could I ever hate you? I love you! More than you could ever know.

It’s so hard to explain. Whether my feelings for you are right or wrong, they are there – and I cannot seem to accept them. My heart says yes, but my head says no. And although I am usually one to follow my heart…I can’t help but listen to the voice in my head. It keeps saying to me “Bill, just ignore him and your feelings will go away”.

I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. I’m a terrible brother for it too…but I will never hurt you like that again. I promise.

-Bill


Tom thought back to those two weeks. He remembered how cold and indifferent Bill had become. Whenever Tom would sit next to him, he would get up and move, whenever he tried to talk to him, he would leave the room completely. Bill even pushed him away once when he tried to give him a hug, calling him a sick fuck. Tom was convinced that he said something to hurt Bill, something bad. He broke down after school one day when Bill had left him to walk home alone.

Lost in his thoughts, Tom had forgotten he was in Bill’s room. He was startled when he heard the jiggling of the door. He hastily stuffed the journal back in its proper place before the door swung open.

“Hi Tom,” Bill sounded surprised, “Still looking for that thing?”

“Umm…” Tom looked to his brother, who was still damp from his shower, clothed only in a towel. He felt a sudden flash of embarrassment flood through him. His eyes shifted uncomfortably around the room, looking anywhere but Bill’s direction. “Yeah, I’m still looking.”

“I see.” Bill said, giving him a somewhat perplexed look, as he strolled over to his dresser. He carelessly began rummaging through the top drawer.

Tom slowly turned his attention back to Bill, and for the first time took notice of Bill’s slender frame. He noticed how perfectly his back curved down to his waist; how his neck, so elegantly shaped, trailed down to his beautifully lined collar bone…

What the hell am I doing?! Tom thought, breaking his gaze from Bill. As he focused on the pattern of the bedspread, he heard the sound of Bill’s towel hit the floor. He felt himself growing very uncomfortable, though he did not know why. He had seen Bill before…but it had been a long time…Still why was it so weird?

Tom continued to keep his focus on the bedspread, as he listened to the soft rustling of clothes behind him. It wasn’t until a few minutes had passed that he heard his brother call out to him. He carefully turned around and was relieved to see a fully clothed Bill.

“I was thinking,” Bill started, “You should hang out with me and Andreas today.”

“I can’t. I have plans,” Tom replied curtly.

“Plans?” Bill asked raising an eyebrow, “Like what?”

“Just…I…” Tom paused for a moment, but couldn’t think of a good excuse. “You know what? Fuck it. I’ll go with you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He glanced over at the nightstand where the journal lay. It would have to wait.

*****

Tom pulled his phone out to check the time. He sighed. Only five minutes had passed since he last looked. He leaned back in his chair and listened to Bill and Andreas talk as he picked at his restaurant food. Bill seemed so happy – smiling and laughing – not like the Bill in the letters.  Was it possible that Bill had gotten over his feelings for him? Yes, it seemed quite possible…but then again, he failed to notice his brother’s feelings in the first place. So how was he to know what he truly felt now? He HAD to get home and read those letters. He pulled out his phone again. Two minutes.

“Really Tom, is our company that bad?”

“Huh?” Tom tore his gaze away from the phone.

“Are we boring you?” Bill added in a playfully dramatic tone.

“No. I know,” Andreas said, waving his finger in the air, like he was onto something. “You have a date don’t you?”

“No way Tom has a date! Do you honestly think he would be sitting here with us if he had a date?”

“Well I don’t know, maybe he’s meeting her here or something. Right Tom?”

Tom studied his brother for a moment, before giving an answer. He did look a bit distressed. His lips slightly parted and protruded somewhat into a pout. Tom grew curious and wondered how his brother would react. He decided to go with Andreas. “Yeah I have a date, but I’m not meeting her here.”

“So I guess you kept your plans after all. Tell me, where did you pick this one up at Tom?” Bill asked in an almost sarcastic tone.

“Bill, that’s not very nice,” Tom snapped back. He couldn’t believe his brother’s rude reaction.

“I’m sorry…I…I didn’t mean it like that…”

“It’s okay. I was actually thinking about canceling.”

“You were?” Bill perked up a little.

“Yeah. In fact let me call her really quick.”

A smile drew across Bill’s face, and Tom was almost certain Bill still had feelings for him.

*****

It had been a few days before Tom could get his hands on the journal again. This time, he decided, he would take it to his room…

                                                                            Saturday December 13th, 2003

Tom,
I promised I would never hurt you again, and I’ve done well to keep that promise. I still feel terrible for the way I treated you; you never deserved it. But somehow…I feel it brought us even closer.

That night I found you in the bathroom was the night you started sneaking into my bed. At first I didn’t know how to react, because my feelings for you are a bit…different. I thought for sure I would say, or do something wrong, or that it would just feel weird…but it wasn’t. In fact, it was almost like being a kid again…almost.
Hmmm…I do enjoy being in your arms so much but…I think it’s only confusing me more. Will I ever get over this?

-Bill

                                                                                 Sunday January 11th, 2004

Tom,
I was beginning to think my feelings for you were fading…but then you found yourself another girlfriend. I feel so sick to my stomach. I can’t breathe…and the ache in my heart is so deep that I feel like it will kill me. I don’t know why, but I feel a little betrayed.
Why can’t I just forget about you? Why can’t I forget all of my feelings? This is so fucking frustrating! I should be happy for you, maybe even have a girlfriend of my own…but I’m not. I’m jealous; and I hate your new girlfriend. I know it sounds terrible, but I’m wondering what I can do to get rid of her.
I just want it to be us again…
-Bill

“Tom!” Bill called out as he popped his head into his brother’s room, his face beaming.

Without a second thought, Tom quickly threw the journal over his shoulder and let it fall behind the bed. Bill gave his brother a funny look; he was acting so weird lately. But rather than question his odd behavior, he took his twin by the hand and led him away.

“Bill where are you taking me?”

“You’ll see.”

As they turned around the corner, Tom caught sight of a tent standing in the middle of the living room.

“Oh my god! Where did you find this?” Tom asked as Bill crawled inside.
“I found it in the garage.”

“Why were you in the garage?”

Bill peeked out of the opening, “I don’t know. I got bored. So I started poking around and shit; and I found this! Do you remember it?”

“Of course I remember it!” Tom exclaimed, taking a glimpse inside, “We use to set this up all the time in the living room. It was the closest we ever got to camping.”

“Come on get in!” Bill said, jerking Tom by the hand.

“Woah!” Tom lost his balance and toppled on top of his brother, their faces now inches apart. He let out a little bit of laughter, and Bill giggled beneath him…But as the laughter died down that awkward feeling came creeping up on Tom again.
He felt a cool breeze hit his back, as Bill’s fingers grazed his bare skin. A warm sensation filled him inside; his stomach fluttered…was this normal? Maybe…Tom didn’t know. But there was one thing he was sure wasn’t normal, and it was growing right before him. He quickly moved himself away from Bill and drew his knees up to his chest, to cover his problem.

Bill sat up and bit his bottom lip worriedly, “Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” Tom shook his head.

Bill crawled a bit toward his brother, “Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure,” Tom curled up a little tighter, afraid that Bill might see.

Bill reached out a hand, “Tom are you-”

“Hey Bill, why don’t you get our blankets and stuff? So we can sleep out here – like old times.”

Bill’s face lit up with excitement. He didn’t even speak a word before dashing off to the bedrooms. Tom breathed a sigh of relief as he let himself relax. He only hoped he little problem would be gone before Bill returned.

*****

Bill rolled over and draped his arm around his brother’s waist; he had a habit of cuddling in his sleep. When they were younger it was something that Tom couldn’t stand, but over the years he grew use to it, and in fact it became somewhat of a comfort to him.

Bill inched a little closer and slid one leg between Tom’s; his knee lightly brushed Tom’s hardening cock. Tom gasped. What the hell?! Is this really turning me on? He tried pushing Bill away, but Bill just held on tighter, and nestled himself closer to Tom.

“Bill get the fuck off!” Tom hissed, struggling to break free from his grip.

Bill made a sour face and shoved his brother before turning away.

“What the hell is happening to me?”